From Pretty to Kitty

http://www.catsforgold.com/

1. Request info.
2. Mail your gold
3. Get some cats

Important Things

I have the best luck sometimes. I scored tickets to a live taping of Important Things with Demetri Martin for tonight. If you haven't heard of him, he's a comedian who got his own show on Comedy Central last year. He's this adorable looking guy with a giant nose, and he's so fun to quote. So, without further ado, here are some of my favorite Demetri Martin lines:

I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.

''Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live.'

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk. [cue card of bird with 4 wings saying 'I'm awkward']

I was at a party, and I saw a guy with a leather jacket, and I thought, 'That's cool'. Then I saw a guy with a leather vest and I thought, 'That's not cool'. It was then that I realized what coolness is all about... leather sleeves.

Sweet Lemonade

I love this more than anything I've loved in a long time.

http://www.getonmyhorse.com/

Dope

Blakroc. = The Black Keys + Hip Hop contributions from Mos Def, Q-Tip, Jim Jones, RZA, Ludacris, Raekwon, Pharoahe Monch and the late ODB.

Produced by Damon Dash.

Album will be released on Black Friday - 11/27.

Best song - "Hoochie Coo."

Dope.

Fraud-Riguez

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — University of Michigan football coach Rich Rodriguez owes $3.9 million from a defaulted loan intended for a planned condominium project near the football stadium at Virginia Tech in Blacksburg, Va., according to a federal lawsuit.
The suit, which Nexity Bank filed against Rodriguez on Aug. 13, alleges that the coach and four partners defaulted on a construction loan in May. Interest on the loan continues to accrue at nearly $1,000 a day, the suit claims.
News of the suit comes during a difficult week for Rodriguez. On Monday, the coach offered a emotional defense of his program following a Free Press report Sunday in which current and former Michigan players said the team exceeded NCAA limits on practice time and other activities.

(Source: USA Today)

Ha. Ha.

Today Was A Good Day

SUCH a good Nike commercial!! Cameos by Black Mamba and Ice Cube. Way tight.

Right??

Doh!!

I was all space-cadet after work yesterday when I stopped to get gas at the Shell station. Saw a coworker there, started chatting, then got distracted by a news story they had on those TV's about a car museum in Cleveland. Story must have been damn enthralling, because I left my wallet on top of my car and drove off. I actually heard it fall off but didn't register what it was until I got home and wanted to get some Taco Bell. No wallet.

I didn't have much cash in there, per usual, and I cancelled my cards right away but I was still bummed about having to go to the DMV to get a new license. DMV in SF is straight up gross. An old lady with likely Osteoperosis coughed directly into my lap last time I was there. No bueno.

As luck would have it, though, nice, honest, do-goodish people still exist in the world. And they ride bicycles. Dudeman showed up at my apartment with my wallet. He had biked all the way from SOMA to give it to me! Awwwwww!!!!

Thanks, guy! This song goes out to you....

Kid Can Run!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/8177376.stm

I Smell Bacon

I was innocently walking my dog the other day after work, and a phenomenon that's been plaguing me for the past 3 years occured. 2 police cars drove by me, and I immediately tensed up and tried to avoid direct eye-contact with the officers inside. Then inevitably I thought to myself, "self, why do you get nervous when cops drive by? You're not doing anything wrong. Everything you're doing is perfectly legal." Nonetheless, this same physical reaction happens every single time a cop drives by me. Whether I'm in my car driving legally, jogging legally, drinking on a patio legally... whatever the legal situation, I automatically tense up and get nervous around cops like I'm breaking every law in the book. I turned 21 three years ago, yet when I pick up a 6 pack of Tecate and walk home with it in my arms by the police station I speed up so they don't see me!

This is bullshit! Then I look at people like my Mom, who waves at cops in the 'burbs every time they drive by, and I think to myself, at what point in life to cops go from being enemies to being allies?

We start out as children respecting police officers. We wave to them with our parents, listen to them speak in our classrooms, and DARE to stay off drugs for them. Then we get to Freshman year in highschool and our parents go to Nantucket for the weekend so we commission our friend Rachel's older brother to buy us a keg and throw a raging house party we invite all the Senior boys to. Inevitably, we exceed capacity and start making noise violations - not to mention all the underage drinking. The cops bust our party and call our parents at 11:30pm in Nantucket. We are soooo grounded, and now we're stuck doing community service at the local Prebyterian church. Look what happened! Just like that, now all cops are assholes. They bust your friend Jared with a dime bag in his glove compartment. Then, the next weekend, they bust your friends Meredith and Steve for having sex on the 50 yard line of the football field! Who do they think they are?!

In college they arrest you for peeing in public at 3am. They judicially bitch-slap you for using a form of identification with the name Tracey Alvarez and a picture of an overweight Guatemalan woman on it to get into the bar for pint night. They rap on the window and shine a flashlight in your face when you pass out in the back seat of your car after pint night. Hello, you were too drunk to drive! What more can they possibly expect of you? Then the next week they give you a speeding ticket and your parents reem you out because your car insurance rates go up. No doubt about it: they are the enemy.

But then, back to my Mom. Yeah, that's her - the lady in the sundress waving and smiling gaily at the police officer on Main St. She loves those guys! They keep perverts away from her children, make sure everyone drives under 20 in school zones and they told that weird drunk bum guy to leave that one time he was loitering in your front yard. To her, police officers are friends. She doesn't tense up when they drive by, she actually slows down to engage in small talk with them!

I guess I'm just wondering when this'll happen to me. I can't pop a Xanex every time I have a Swine enounter - they're fucking everywhere! When will I stop getting the urge to break into a dead sprint in the opposite direction of a cop? He's getting lunch from a hot dog stand for Christ's sake! He's not even looking at me. And if he was, he would see a blonde girl walking her dog on a leash in a Southerly direction at 6pm. In other words, nothing unusual.... or illegal.

Whatever - I'm not "straight outta Compton," but I'm still on the same page as N.W.A: Fuck 'em.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-TToJwQwXg

15 dumbest car spoilers

http://www.oddee.com/item_96677.aspx

Can't Tell Me Nothing

Saw "The Hangover" on Friday after work. So funny. Been watching the funnyordie interviews with Zach Galifianakis and they crack me up - he's even better in the movie.

He made his own video for Kanye West's "Can't Tell Me Nothing" and Kanye loved it so much that he posted it as the official video on his site!

never.ever.work it.after.work is.over.

http://www.najle.com/idaft/

iDaft. way tight.

SEXY

Draft day left me in high spirits and now I can't wait for football season!! Michael Crabtree is straight nasty. In November I watched him score the winning TD for Tech against the Longhorns and peed a little out of excitement. It was beautiful - Harrell to Crabtree, Crabtree to endzone. See ya Colt McCoy (hated that guy - the look on his face was priceless)!

Avg. 120.3 yds, 1.6 TD's/game

231 catches for 3,127 yds (41 TDs) in just 2 YEARS!! That would be pretty remarkable for a 3 or 4 yr college career, no?

This (new) Niners fan is pretty stoked, to say the very least.

Let the Beat Build

OK, so I yoinked this from my male counterpart Willy P. but "Let the Beat Build" is also MY jam on Carter 3, and we went to the concert together so I feel no guilt. Too good not to post, anyway.

This guy is about to graduate from NYU and he recorded this in the University recording studio. With live music. In ONE take. Way tight.

Trunk Hit Hard Like Kimbo Slice

Literally cannot stop listening to this song. Total love/hate relationship status. It's ruining my life but at the same time it's my reason for waking up every morning.

Also, drove through the Tenderloin bumping it this morning and I'm pretty sure someone tried to put a bullet through my car.

Worth it!

My Texts from Last Night

In the spirit of my new favorite website, I've decided to post my Texts from Last Night. Actually these are the funniest texts I've received in the past 7 days - most late at night.



“Sushi suggestion was terrible. You should download ‘Ice Cream Paint Job’ it’ll make you feel better.”

“I feel like I’m getting annoying.”
“You contact me.”
“I feel like I text you too much.”

“Word. At least he had good teeth.”

“I reek of whiskey”

“Vaguely remember calling you earlier. 1000 apologies. I should not have been allowed in public. Drinking again now. Happy Easter.”

“Hit me baby one more time. Sorry I’m weird.”

“Act like we got cancelled on for the boat thing – trust me no questions.”

“I hate you.”
ME: “I hate you more.”
“Impossible.”
“Hang out tomorrow? Break your plans.”

ME: “Sorry we didn’t get to meet up! Tomorrow!”
“You really dominated the exclamation point today!!!!!!!!!”

“I’m taking a stretch limo home right now. Yeah, somehow talked him into a $20 ride. Sure is weird being the only person in here right now.”

“Girl screaming behind me at concert. Voice sounds like rape whistle. OK to joke about rape whistles?”

“Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?”

“Don’t be soft.”

“Do you Dubs.”

“That got way too aggressive last night…”

“Imma put it on ya Whitty”

“I may or may not be drunk texting you. Anyway, take care!”

“Add me on facebook, it will solidify our friendship.”

Ha Ha Hilarious

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

Bad Crabs

Sippin on Sizzurp

Everyone who was around me yesterday can attest to the fact that I really wanted pancakes. I've been craving them so badly for eight weeks now. Jack Johnson song references aside (lame!), I have to admit that I've thought about eating banana pancakes once a day on average for the past 2 months. That's why I was shocked and disheartened when this hot-off-the-press story fell into my lap:

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,506385,00.html

It seems a 48 year old Russian man named Boris (I know, what else would his name be?) died today in a pancake-eating contest. Though doctors have not confirmed the exact cause of death, they believe that a pancake got lodged in his throat and he choked to death while he was receiving his first place award. The world works in mysterious ways. At least he died a winner.

"He had really enjoyed the pancakes but then he started foaming at the mouth and went down like a sack of stones," one witness said. (Side note: I feel like only a Russian would use the simile "he went down like a sack of stones." Am I right or am I right?)

Anyway, moment of silence. TGIF. Time for some happy hour vodka in honor of Pancake guy. RIP to a dude who fought the good fight.

Packin' Heat

I shot a 9mm last night.

It was my first time shooting a handgun, and I have to say, it felt AWESOME. Went to a moderately sketchy shooting range south of the city with a friend & a friend-of-a-friend who owned the guns and trained us in the rules of brandishing weapons. Some rules were common sense: don't point a loaded gun at anybody. Some I knew I was going to forget: __________. (See?)

Took a cab to my friend's house to meet up with the guys before we went to shoot. Most. uncomfortable. cab. ride. ever. This guy was either a serial killer, a big fat perv, or both. Speaking of fat, dudeman was obese with long wavy brown hair down to the middle of his back. Ponytailed. And he made a snoring sound every time he looked down, like when he was counting my change. After commenting that I looked "fit" right off the bat, he began prodding. "Where you headed?" "Going to shoot guns, scary man. So don't get any ideas." The word guns triggered a light in his eyes I've never seen before and would pay never to see again. Boy, was this guy a fan of firearms. He began giving me pointers about relaxing and planting my feet. He even drew me a diagram (while driving, mind you) of the sights so I could aim properly. Ponytail man kept getting out of breath from talking so much about guns. He'd stop mid-sentence and pant heavily a few times, then proceed. The panting silences were a-w-k-w-a-r-d. But things got really awkward when he began listing off the guns he owns and telling me the damage that they can do to the human body. "My Model 5 will peirce a tiny hole through your frontal lobe and exit out through the back of your skull, while my Colt Carbine A3 will splatter your lungs all over the inside of your very core." UMMMM. Should I text 911? Is 911 even capable of receiving texts? As we finally pulled up to my destination, obese whackjob left me with these stirring words of advice: "Shooting a gun is like having sex for the first time. At first you're really nervous, but once you find your grove, it feels phenomenal." UMMMM. YOU'VE had sex?!?!?!?

OK, so we drove to the range in friend's Camero, which - of course - felt totally appropriate. I was jammed in the back seet getting all nervous because I had suffered that ADD attack during the training and had already forgotten everything. I was warned to tell the employees of the range that I'd actually shot a gun before, so they didn't go through the whole lengthy tutorial with me.

"So, you've shot a gun before, ma'am?"

"Yes." Lie.

"You've shot a handgun before?"

"Yes." Lie.

"OK, here are your goggles." I need goggles? For what?! Am I gonna shoot my eye out like the little mcnugget from A Christmas Story?

So before I know it we're in there and I'm loading bullets one-by-one into the clip. I'm about to pee my pants. Something terrible is going to happen. I'm about to go from zero to felon in .5.

But no! Shooting this gun was one of the most exhilarating experiences I've ever had. I instantly felt like a bonafied assassin. And I immediately regretted not having worn stilletos so I could have felt like one of Charlie's Angels. Guys often relate shooting a handgun to having another penis. I fully felt that! I straight up felt like I had my very own D. (Not to sound crude). It felt awesome.

Take away whatever morsels of wisdom you want from this story, but I guess I'd just like to say that if you've ever thought about shooting a handgun, even if you're a girl like me, GO DO IT. Between meeting the dodgy characters who frequent gun ranges to the experiencing the feeling of holding powerful steel in your hands capable of injuring even the BADDEST of bad guys, shooting a handgun is way tight. Way tighter than some other things I've tried. Just remember to use your weapons only for good. PEACE!