I was innocently walking my dog the other day after work, and a phenomenon that's been plaguing me for the past 3 years occured. 2 police cars drove by me, and I immediately tensed up and tried to avoid direct eye-contact with the officers inside. Then inevitably I thought to myself, "self, why do you get nervous when cops drive by? You're not doing anything wrong. Everything you're doing is perfectly legal." Nonetheless, this same physical reaction happens every single time a cop drives by me. Whether I'm in my car driving legally, jogging legally, drinking on a patio legally... whatever the legal situation, I automatically tense up and get nervous around cops like I'm breaking every law in the book. I turned 21 three years ago, yet when I pick up a 6 pack of Tecate and walk home with it in my arms by the police station I speed up so they don't see me!
This is bullshit! Then I look at people like my Mom, who waves at cops in the 'burbs every time they drive by, and I think to myself, at what point in life to cops go from being enemies to being allies?
We start out as children respecting police officers. We wave to them with our parents, listen to them speak in our classrooms, and DARE to stay off drugs for them. Then we get to Freshman year in highschool and our parents go to Nantucket for the weekend so we commission our friend Rachel's older brother to buy us a keg and throw a raging house party we invite all the Senior boys to. Inevitably, we exceed capacity and start making noise violations - not to mention all the underage drinking. The cops bust our party and call our parents at 11:30pm in Nantucket. We are soooo grounded, and now we're stuck doing community service at the local Prebyterian church. Look what happened! Just like that, now all cops are assholes. They bust your friend Jared with a dime bag in his glove compartment. Then, the next weekend, they bust your friends Meredith and Steve for having sex on the 50 yard line of the football field! Who do they think they are?!
In college they arrest you for peeing in public at 3am. They judicially bitch-slap you for using a form of identification with the name Tracey Alvarez and a picture of an overweight Guatemalan woman on it to get into the bar for pint night. They rap on the window and shine a flashlight in your face when you pass out in the back seat of your car after pint night. Hello, you were too drunk to drive! What more can they possibly expect of you? Then the next week they give you a speeding ticket and your parents reem you out because your car insurance rates go up. No doubt about it: they are the enemy.
But then, back to my Mom. Yeah, that's her - the lady in the sundress waving and smiling gaily at the police officer on Main St. She loves those guys! They keep perverts away from her children, make sure everyone drives under 20 in school zones and they told that weird drunk bum guy to leave that one time he was loitering in your front yard. To her, police officers are friends. She doesn't tense up when they drive by, she actually slows down to engage in small talk with them!
I guess I'm just wondering when this'll happen to me. I can't pop a Xanex every time I have a Swine enounter - they're fucking everywhere! When will I stop getting the urge to break into a dead sprint in the opposite direction of a cop? He's getting lunch from a hot dog stand for Christ's sake! He's not even looking at me. And if he was, he would see a blonde girl walking her dog on a leash in a Southerly direction at 6pm. In other words, nothing unusual.... or illegal.
Whatever - I'm not "straight outta Compton," but I'm still on the same page as N.W.A: Fuck 'em.
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