Friday, January 22, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
This Is a Jersey Shore Post
This is a Jersey Shore post. Duh, I had to.
Fun Fact: This is NOT the first time MTV has tried to defame Italian Americans living in the Northeastern United States. Throwback--> a little show called True Life: I Have A Summer Share at the Jersey Shore circa 2005. You may recall a creature named Tommy who got heated and actually physically fought someone over a lack of cheese balls. Observe.
But MTV really pushed the "guidverbial" envelope when they unveiled Jersey Shore on December 3rd, 2009 (consequently one of the best days of my life). This is a show about eight insipid, morally bankrupt, washboard-abdominaled, Burnt-Sienna-colored Italian Americans who share a house in Seaside Heights, NJ which is owned by an aging insipid, morally bankrupt Italian American who also happens to be their boss. The office? A mecca for filthy Jersey Shore vacationers to buy all the necessities - temp tramp stamps, penis gauges, monogrammed crotchless panties, and "I Shaved My Balls for This?" t-shirts. At night the Guidos and Guidettes drink Ron-Ron Juice and party their tanner than tan asses off. So you can see why I jumped on board.
House music, free weights and baked ziti seem to be sufficient sustenance for these rebel-rousers to make it out to clubs like Headliners and Beachcombers every night to "beat up the beat." This usually includes hilarious ambush strategies to get girls home, into the hot tub and out of their underoos, and often includes full on battle. Straight male-on-female shots to the nose and boardwalk Greco-Italian-Meathead wreslting are no strangers to Seaside Heights. And, unfortunately for them, Hippos, Grenades and untimely menstruation are no strangers to the CAST:
* Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino - Talks about himself in the 3rd person. Enlists help of Pauly D to get "sent out like a Navy Seal, do a little reconaissance, and bring girls back" to the house, presumably in order to slay them like dragons and send them on their way back to their parents vacation rentals. "Sitch" seems to always be working on his fitness. He had his little heart broken by Sammi Sweetheart [see below] and I almost felt bad for him, but then I didn't. Sitch is overtly the funniest cast member to quote, but...
* DJ Pauly D - is under-the-radar the funniest person to quote. People love to repeat the stuff The Situation says, but I not-so-secretly think Pauly D is funnier and like to recycle his material more. Examples: "She just doesn't want to feel like a trashbag because she has a boyfriend and she kissed me with her tongue." "My hair didn't even move an inch and I was in & out of the water. My hair's windproof, waterproof, soccerproof, motocycleproof. I'm not sure if my hair's bulletproof, I'm not willin' to try that." "Don’t let the spike hair fool you, like I’m not a bitch."
* Angelina - Cockblock.
* Ronnie - Juice Head. Vowed never to fall in love at the Jersey Shore, did, and turned into a little bitch. Ron to Sammi: "I thought this Shore house was the best thing to ever happen to me, but I was wrong. YOU AHHHH!" Barf.
* Sammi Sweetheart - Boring.
* JWOWW - Looks like a family of skunks died wrapped around her noggin. Appeases her boyfriend's infidelity concerns by asserting that she was dry humping Pauly D to House Music so it doesn't count. Generally has her girls' backs, like when someone calls Snookie fat and thus, obviously, gets a knuckle sandwich courtesy of Ms. WOWW. She seems slutty though - like someone who is definitely infested with some insanely obscure venereal disease like Sabor-Toothed-Crotch-Crickets.
* Vinny - The most normal and thus least televised Italian.
* Snookie - aka Snookers, Snickers, Snooks - the Guidette with a heart of gold. She means well. She looks like a little gremlin at 4'9" and only adds to her vertical presence by rocking platform chunky heels and a 4 inch hair poof, but she's a mama's girl and she just wants to be liked, so she's totally OK in my book. In fact, she's my favorite girl. In fact in fact, I wouldn't even be opposed to being friends with her were she permitting of me clowning on her almost daily. She keeps getting burned romantically, when all she wants to do is get laid. Poor Snooks, I'm pulling for you, munchkin!
I read a Rolling Stone article that argued that JS is just what America needs right now. After watching all these MTV-manufactured spoiled assholes like Heidi and Stephanie on The Hills, it's kind of refreshing to get a taste of LMC "East Siders" and actually watch them be appreciative of what they get. MTV has hooked them up with a sick pad in Jers, and they're determined to make the most of it before they go back to being the [semi]normal people they were before. Why wouldn't we want to watch kids have fun and say hilarious things like "We Smooshed"?! JS is keeping me warm with laughter this winter and I'm gonna go ahead and say The Academy or whoever should make it rain Emmy's on the cast and crew of that show. I wish every day was Thursday. Out.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Start %#$&^@#, Donkey.
Level 5 Pissed
I love the philosophy of Chad "Esteban" OchoCinco. If I could get into that guy's head for a day I think I would die of happiness. He comes across as an ignorant self-centered idiot, but I secretly think he's smarter than all of us and we just don't realize it.
He eats McDonald's for every meal and argues that the movie Supersize me isn't "real" because it's a movie and it has special effects.
He gets girls' phone numbers by telling them he lost his cell phone and needs to use theirs' because it's an emergency. He then calls himself so he has their number, and then calls them the next day to spit game.
He trademarked the phrase "Child Please" on last season's HBO special Hard Knocks and "it's basically like telling someone fuck you." A ref even said it to OchoCinco in a preaseason game!
Then we all remember Chad's "Kiss the Baby" - which is the equivalent to a fat lady singing. The show's over so you might as well Kiss the Baby.
Well now it looks like Esteban (the self-proclaimed "most interesting footballer in the world") has come up with a new Trademark -- the Levels of Pisstivity.
Via his Twitter account, he let us know yesterday that he was level 5 pissed, now that the off season has started and he has nothing to do:
(7:41am) f the offseason, this is some bull droppings, i am supposed to be in meetings right now, im level 5 pissed=finding out side girl is pregnant
....And apparently some idiot Twitterers didn't understand Ocho's "Levels" because they seemed to actually be concerned that he got a side girl pregnant. Ocho becomes noticeably aggitated....
(7:57am) @bettiebaddazz-no no, nobody is pregnant just telling how mad i am, read my tweets careful
(8:00am) being level 5 pissed is like finding out your girl is cheating with your best friend, people yall dont understand my pisstivities yet! 1-5
....getting even more frustrated....
(8:11am) @runnerrouse-what are you talking about? are u blond because i never said i was sleeping with an individual, i made a pisstivity comment
(8:15am) some folks are so slow thinking someone is pregnant, geesh im using examples to show my level of pisstivity!!!!!
(8:18am) @pujolsmvpx3 you shut up retard
....the next day....
(7:01am) I am enrolling at FAMU for a semester, im filling out a loan application right now, if they deny me ill be level 2 pisstified!!!
(8:31am) My level of pisstification has exceeded my 5 levels of pisstivity at this point which I've now chosen to call my anger NUKE mad<-COD (....Call of Duty reference....)
So anyway, we know what level 2 and level 5 are, but naturally my coworker and I took it upon ourselves to fill in the rest of the levels. So, without further ado, here are The Levels Of Pisstivity (TM Chad Johnson):
1 - You walk into a bar with 5 friends your age and you are the only person ID'd. You get take-out, get home, and realize it's someone else's shitty order.
2 - You get denied a need-based student loan because you are an NFL starting Wide Reciever and you make $4.87 Million per year.
3 - You lose a significant amount of money to the house in Vegas.
4 - You get laid off. You get a DUI.
5 - Your side chick is knocked up. Your girlfriend is creepin on you with your best homie.
Well there you have it. Another genius way of putting things by, in my opinion, one of the most fascinating people of our time. I know I'm going to reference this scale in conversation [and nobody will know what I'm talking about - their loss] and I suggest you do too. Now kiss da baby.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
